Jennifer

J Patt is back and better than ever. Or, wait, I'm pretty much the same. I suppose there are a few changes-- my hair has gotten longer and sexier, my tan has faded some, I've lost my voice, and I'm completely fluent in German (what? like it's hard?)

I flew in last night. The whole getting-back to the US part actually took 36 hours, but that's another story-- one involving two very confusing Frankfurts, a smelly ticket clerk, and many Germans wearing socks with their sandals. Oh God, the socks with sandals... more on that story later.

Right, so when I got back I had to buy a pack of my faves (pack of my favorite gum that is-- the turquoise Orbit), and as I did so I overheard the conversation of two American sorority girls. Like me, they had also just returned from Europe. One exclaimed, "Oh look what happened while we were gone!" Then the other gasped, "Jessica Simpson and Jared Letto? Oooh em gee!" Yes, they actually said Oh-em-gee.

Like the two ditzes before me, I also could not wait to catch myself up. As soon as I got home I glued myself to the recorded episodes of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Well, I won't go as far as to say that checking up on news satire is better than squealing over celebrity gossip (why state the obvious?), but I think we can conclude that I'm no American ditz. (Actually, the smelly German ticket clerk might argue otherwise. But who knew there were two separate cities named Frankfurt? Like I said, more on that later.)

Anyway, lucky for you I have kept a pen-and-paper journal of EVERY SINGLE DAY of my Germany + Holland + Belgium + Austria adventure. I plan to recount to you bits of these entries over the next week or so. Of course I will not ramble about the tedious details of boring history museums or anything. What do you take me for? A history major?

Right now I'm already three strong martinis into my night (and it's only 7:15... oh god). My boyfriend and I are exchanging sarcastic insults and laughing at one another, or mostly he's just laughing at me. In fact, he's kinda being an asshole, which is uncharactiristic of him. To add to it all, you'd think that a reunion between boyfriend-girlfriend after nearly a month apart would be one of extreme joy and amazing sex. Oh no, no no. Fuck no.

Sadly my boyfriend's libido is a fraction of my own, so our time together usually consists of me trying to fuck him and him complaining about soreness or lameness or tiredness. You'd think he wasn't attracted to me-- like I'd gained weight in Europe or developed a nasty rash. Well, I will happily announce that neither of the two have occurred. I'm still as great as ever. Me and Bee may have to go buy vibrators to solve this problem.

Jesus Christ... we arrived in Vienna this morning... and I feel so violated. Maybe it's because I am hanging out at the hostel bar. The people there are real straight-shooters. They basically ask if they can sleep with you. Even when you say no you're still not left alone.
I probably should write something fun since, after all, I am in fucking EUROPE and incredibly lucky... but... the violation that has occurred... I just wanna cry. It's almost as bad as last weekend's Brussel sprouts (which is slang for people from Brussels.)

I am afraid to go to my room because the dude in the bunk above me is the panty-sniffing type.

Then also this guy from Arkansas wont leave me alone. He keeps accosting me at the computer. This is so ridiculous. I'm not even wearing anything slutty.

I have absolutely no idea why I am getting so much attention because the local women here are beeeautiful. I can't stop myself from staring them all down. I feel odd checking out other women, but they honestly look like fantastical godlike creatures. I guess this is my first lesbianish moment. Aren't you proud of me?

Tomorrow we plan on going to the fancy-smancy Vienna opera house. I'm not sure how I feel about operas, but a girl visiting Austria has to have at least a few cultural experiences.

Hello from Brussels, Belgium. I love unplanned excursions to Europe, dont you? They keyboard is weird as hell so typing this is kinda a challenge. Im not sure what the temperature is outside, but its somewhere between uncomfortably chilly and fucking freezing. The art and dining is amazing, as can be imagined. Especially the Van Goh museum. And I think it goes without saying that the pot in Amsterdam was the ganja of gods.

Of course I have been clubbing and drinking heavily. Maybe I should slow down on the booze though. Last night Christie and stumbled down the wrong winding street and were nearly molested by some Italian guys. We took refuge in a karioke bar. A Dutch boy sarenaded me and said I had lovely breasts. I tried to climb onto the stage to sing, but alcohol interferes with my balance and sometimes makes me fall down... so I ended up sprawled out on the dance floor in pain. I have a bruise the shape and size of Germany.

Sorry about my lack of updates.

Christ... okay... I was suppposed to fly Amsterdam yesterday, but something fucked up with my credit card getting declined* and my tickets never being purchased.

But it's k because I found this out a few days ago and fixed it by buying another ticket that leaves five days later. Yeah, I lost a bit of money on that, but who cares. I'm rich, kinda.

*My credit card was declined because apparently I have a credit limit? I had never even heard of this before. I've always used my dad's credit cards which don't have limits, or at least that I've ever reached.

But everything worked out because now my roomie roomster is coming with me. We decided this wile drinking a few nights ago. How sweet will this be?! The two of us frolicking through Holland, Germany, Austria, Croatia, etc. Those countries seem neat, so I bought a rail pass or something to go explore.

I probably sound like one of those dumb chicks who packs three full suitcases-- one for each week of Europe. I'm actually not like that at all, though I do recognize the importance of looking hot in foreign countries. You really should spruce yourself up when traveling because 1) you don't have home court advantage 2) you're constantly meeting strangers and must make a positive first impression. Let's be honest-- when you first meet a person, appearance is key. 3) you are representing America, so it is your responsibility as a citizen to dismiss the fat-rude-ugly American stereotype.

Dressing well only requires a few tips. First, bring stuff that looks chic yet requires little care. Keep things spotless with Shout on-the-go whipes for colors and a bleach pen for your whites. Color coordinate things. You really only need maybe three outfits total. Remember that chances are you're not staying in one place for more than a few days, so why not repeat outfits? Thongs take up less room and are hotter anyway, so stick with those. (Unless you are a man. Man thongs are a no. In fact, I shudder just typing 'man thongs.') What else? A few pieces of jewelry or a cool looking watch will makes you stand out. Only brings shoes you can walk in for long periods of time. (Lucky for my roommate she is a pro at prancing around in stilettos, but my suitcase does not include a pair of heels.) Shorts are kinda a huge 'no' in Europe. Bring one pair if you absolutely must. Oh, and most importantly: recognize your strengths and weaknesses and dress accordingly. For me, I have short but nice legs. This meas short skirts are great, but cropped pants are a huge no because they basically make me look like a midget. I'm tan and void of back-acne, so tying a lack scarf around my chest works well for a sexy, super-easy look.

By 'super-easy' I meant that the scarf is super-easy to pack and wear... not that I'm super-easy. Even if I were super-easy (and single), having sex in Europe is a baaaad idea.

Fuck, I really have to get to packing. I'm supposed to meet my boyfriend at the beach today, but I have to get all my shit for Europe together first. My life is so hard.

A late night conversation spiralled out of control, and my bestie Bianca and I decided to take our men-ventings to a new level and create a list of hints.

A Dozen Hints For The Clueless Every Man

1. When we start dieting or embark on a new work out plan, we need reinforcment that we already look good, even though we obviously think we need improvement. This doesn't mean you have to put up with a girl who says "I'm fat" every 5 seconds. These girls suck, and we all know they know they aren't fat.

2. Don't ever start a compliment with, "I'm so drunk and just realized that..." You might as well say, "Now that i have beer goggles on, I find you attractive, woo hoooo for alcohol!"

3. Don't tell us that our new hair cut/dye job looks hideous, even if it's the truth because, honestly, there's really not that much we can do about it. Besides, if you don't like it chances are WE don't either... don't make us feel worse.

4. Coming over and watching you and your friends play video games is not our idea of fun, unless we
a) suggested it and want to play
-or-
b) invited ourselves over (and knew exactly what we were getting into).

5. Believe it or not, we don't enjoy hearing about how hot Jessica Alba is or how Kiera Knightly has a perfect body (unless of course you include that we look like her). Shut up about celebrities, especially the Victoria's Secret models. We don't look like them... you will never sleep with them... get over it. We would almost rather hear stories about your ex-girlfriend. Almost.

6. When we tell you that you're cute, sometimes we just want you to tell us that WE are cute/adorable/gorgeous. Most girls compliment each other daily, so it confuses and upsets us when our boyfriend (the one person who is supposed to find us MOST attractive) doesn't ever say anything. We especially enjoy hearing this at times when we least expect it (i.e. when we are wearing very little make up or when we just woke up/worked out).

7. Don't tell us you are 'proud' of us for going to work out, ever. That's almost as bad as calling us fat or if we told you that you are poorly-endowed. This stuff just doesn't need to be said, even as a joke.

8. If you are broke and make us pay for things, you are not supposed to spend what little money you have on drugs or strippers. (As a general rule, just about anything invovling strippers will royally piss us off.)

9. When we offer to pay, rarely accept because most of the time we don't mean it. This mainly applies to dates 1-3 and any date that was your suggestion. (If you feel cheated by this rule, remember that the girl's parents will pay for the entire wedding, so shouldn't your parents spot you some cash for the first few dates?) However, if we want to cook you dinner/go see a new movie/take you to hear our fav band play, we can pay and will happily do so.

10. If we try something new you're supposed to notice and tell us if you like it-- wearing our hair culrly, trying a new perfume, showing up glammed-out and lovely for no reason in particular-- that kind of thing. If you really don't like something new we've tried, say, "I like this too, but I really really like [insert alternative here]." This way you're stating a preference instead of insulting us. Clever, isn't it? Yes, we know.

11. Surprise presents like burned cds, chocolate, or a copy of U.S. Weekly will work you wonders. Remember, just because you happen to be cold and un-sentimental doesn't mean that your girlfriend is too. But be warned that unexpected flowers mean one and only one thing: you cheated, felt bad, and got us flowers.

12. Speaking of cheating, don't joke about cheating on us. It's not funny and no one is laughing.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, changing your status from "single" to "swinger" on myspace will yield you TONS more cyber flirtation. Now I see what all the fuss was about.